What’s my identity? Why does my diagnosis not define me? What ways has my label served me in the past but no longer does? These are questions a friend (a fellow mindset coach, funny enough) challenged me to answer recently.
My identity has ALWAYS been so tied up in my diagnosis, Bipolar. My entire life I’ve said to myself and to others, “I’m Bipolar,” as though it’s my identity, as though it’s not only part of me, but it literally IS who I am.
I’ve always felt I needed to “regulate” who I am at the core. Some days I’m bipolar manic, some days I’m bipolar depressive, some days I’m manic depressive, and other days I’m “stable”. Oh…how fun.
For my entire life, especially in my adult years, wearing this label has caused me not to know who “the real Devin is.” Is the stable version of me “the real Devin?” Is the excited, creative, bouncy, joyful, impulsive, and opportunistic version of me “the real Devin?” Or is the depressive version of me “the real Devin?” Surely the manic depressive version of me isn’t “the real Devin,” but shit, is it? Imagine that. Imagine 29 years of being dissociated from my true identity. 29 years of fluctuating existential crisis. How fun. Truthfully, it’s not.
When a label shapes who you are, there may be something positive in there…somewhere. But when a label DEFINES who you are, then you’re in deep shit. Then you’re left wondering, “who the actual flying fuck am I?”
In the past 2 years and especially in the past 6 months, separating MYSELF from the label of bipolar has been turbulent, to say the least. It’s actually felt really fucking impossible. I worked with coaches to try to release that identity, to some avail, I’ve done deep inner work to release that identity, to some avail. The thing is, I never truly declared to myself, “Bipolar is not WHO I am, bipolar does not define me, and all versions of me IS the real Devin.“
Okay, so now that I’ve put it that way, you’re like…“well, why the fuck not, Devin? If it’s that simple, why haven’t you removed yourself from your label?” Because journeying through the process of living and releasing my label IS the answer. Deep self-awareness, deep reflection, and deep, intensive release are what will allow me to be set free of this heavy, destructive burden I’ve carried for 29 years.
Now that I’ve skirted around literally all 3 questions (beautifully, might I add), I’m going to actually answer them, because…that’s the real work.
First up: What is my identity?
My identity is not my label. My identity is power, bold, fierce, unrelenting, grit, determination, perseverance, awareness, reflection, intention, evolution, expansion, prosperity, joy, love, opportunity, peace, compassion, passion, creation, innovation, wealth, connection, meaning, relationships, and so on. I am all of those things. Those things are all within me and are the foundational blocks that created who I am. Bipolar is a label I choose not to wear anymore. I no longer fall for the idea that bipolar tendencies are my essential building blocks to who I am…fuck that noise. Carrying that with me for 29 years has been my most deeply engrained subconscious limiting belief. WOW. Hello, news flash to me. (Ps. this is the power of writing, uncovering your mind-blowing layers, and getting to release and upgrade).
Holy actual shit. “I am bipolar” has literally been THE deepest and greatest thing holding me back my entire damn life. My mind is actually boggled right now, welcome to real time revelations, readers. As with all beliefs that don’t serve us, we must release them. We must deconstruct them and choose to no longer wear them as our identity. Today in this moment, I choose to no longer wear this label. I’m ripping it off, and choosing for it to no longer define me. The building blocks that define me and add up to me as a whole are all of my attributes, the ones that serve me, and the ones that limit me. My attributes create my identity. That leads me to the next question…
Next up: Why does my diagnosis not define me?
Always go deeper, my friends. Why does bipolar not define me? It doesn’t define me because I choose for it not to. More than not, I’ve used it as a crutch, a limitation and an excuse my entire life. I’ve defended that diagnosis as though the limitations it’s put on me are like…acceptable to defend. I’ve defended that label like I would defend my best friend. By changing my medication every time I branch off from “stable,” by making excuses about why I didn’t get out of bed for the day because bipolar made me depressed, by telling people, “I’m too happy right now” so something bad is coming, by expecting huge crashes in mental and physical energy after “I’m too happy,” by always expecting my joy to end because bipolar means that your joy HAS to end at some point or another. As I'm writing out these words, I realize that I’ve done myself absolutely zero favors by defending it for 29 years. It’s time to no longer defend it. It’s time to defend I am bold, I am fierce, I am creative, I am powerful, I am joy, and so on. Which brings me to my next point…
Finally: What ways has my label served me in the past, but no longer does?
Truthfully, it has served me in the past by showing me that I can get through literally fucking anything and made me feel resilient. My life up until now actually was, in a way, supported by the knowing that “bipolar” has made me a stronger person because it handed me adversity and adversity makes us stronger. (Don’t get confused by my earlier statement saying that defending it hasn’t served me, I’m saying something different now. Wearing the label has served me up until now, defending it continuously as to why it limits me has never served me). However, the label itself no longer serves me. I now know that I am powerful, that I am strong, that I am able to get through all adversity with grace. I choose not to identify with this label any longer.
In summary: Whether a diagnosis persists in reality or not, there is absolutely no reason to IDENTIFY yourself as your diagnosis. I am not saying that people should run along and just casually say, “Oh, I’m just not bipolar anymore.” I’m saying, hot tamales, your label doesn’t have to DEFINE you anymore. Your identity, and who you define yourself as, THAT is your choice.