In My Own Truth
This morning, a sweet fawn crossed my path, walking right by my side to find some coverage in bushes. In fear, of course, but nonetheless, the fawn crossed by my path and I immediately felt this happened for me, as a positive omen. I knew it was something powerful.
As I continue and embrace my spiritual journey, I’m learning to lean into symbolism and representations. So I looked up what a fawn crossing your path symbolizes. Thank you, Google machine. As I was reading about it’s symbolism, one quote really stood out and resonated with me. It goes like this, “It is time to be mature about situations and walk away from some of the emotions you have held onto for quite some time.” Holy shit, to say that hit deep is an understatement. It didn’t hurt me, but it was….strong. Because in that moment, I KNEW I had to finally, finally, finally let go of the old emotions I’ve been holding onto that keep me so limited in my path toward success and fulfillment. I knew I needed to immediately reflect on what I had just consumed with my eyeballs and soul. I took out my journal and words began to flow from me as my pen left pink marks on the paper in front of me. (Yes, I write in bright ass pink, and I love it).
It was so abundantly clear to me in that moment that it is my time to let go, to release all the pain I’ve accumulated from my previous 3 straight years of dating people who weren’t right for me, and from all the circumstances that I eventually interpreted as rejection and unworthiness. During those 3 years, I consistently sought validation from the hands of others, and the scars that were left on my heart penetrate deep. I feel as though I’ll have to peel back layers and layers and layers of the striated muscle that forms my heart. It’s funny because when I was actually experiencing these 3 years of rejection and disappointment, I didn’t think I was taking any of the rejection personally, and chalked it up simply to incompatibility between two people. It wasn’t until hindsight kicked in that my coping mechanism was simply to seek the next source who could show me validation, and thus, the crap cycle continued (will now be referring to this time in my life as “the crap cycle.” because that’s fucking hilarious). That said, I didn’t realize until a couple months ago that each rejection I faced must have slowly tattered and worn my heart down, little by little, until all the rejection accumulated and burned and scarred my heart more than I could imagine.
As mentioned, hindsight revealed how damaged I was as a result of the crap cycle - constantly feeling unworthy of love. I began to understand that I hadn’t healed, not even slightly. If anything the pain of invalidation hurts more and more as time goes. I’m sort of going off on a tangent right now, but I do promise this is relevant, in some sort of convoluted way. Anyway, I realized I really fucking needed to start healing from all this pain.
The quote I read this morning pretty much ignited my readiness to heal. Truthfully, healing is probably going to be even more painful than actually being hurt over and over was. Yayyyy, can’t wait. As a mindset and activation coach, I literally preach the importance of healing to my clients daily. As a woman who chooses to act in integrity and live authentically, I best practice what I preach. So this morning, I delved in and reflected on that quote and what I wrote was this:
“It’s time to let go of my deep pain from rejection and past experiences of being let go and not chosen by others. Let go of my self-doubt and low self-worth, let go of needing external validation, let go of resentment, grudges and anger I hold toward people who have left me, like ex boyfriends and past hook ups for walking away from me. And let go of the anger I hold for myself for letting it hurt me so deeply. I’m ready to let go of those emotions, I’m ready to choose my new self, what I believe and how I feel. I’m ready to create my powerful future and live in my own truth.”
That’s it. I’m ready to live my own truth. My healing journey begins here, with my truth: It’s not that I wasn’t good enough for them, it’s the I wasn’t living up to who I could become for MYSELF.”