Exactly one year ago, I was called “a wreck" by a mentor of mine whom I had a deep respect and trust for and admired greatly.

On this particular night, we were in a Zoom room with about 10 others on a business-oriented meeting, filled with other professionals whom I highly regarded. My then mentor called me onto the hot seat, despite my request not to speak that night. He grilled me with my questions about the future and direction of my business. Now if you all recall, I was not in a good place last November. It was 2 months after my divorce had begun, and truthfully, I did feel like a damn wreck.

Flopping and floundering as I answered his questions, I received a private message from him in the Zoom chat, which read, “she’s a wreck!” This message was not intended to be sent to me. It was meant for my mentor’s business partner, whose name came right before mine in the list of Zoom participants. A foolish, yet relatively easy mistake to make.

I read the message immediately after seeing my chatbox light up. As I read the words in my head, “she’s a wreck!” I felt absolutely, utterly devastated, judged, and deflated. My secret was out. The secret I thought I had been hiding from everyone: that I was an absolute train wreck, mentally and emotionally, and I truly just wasn’t fucking holding it together anymore.

The Zoom room closed within a matter of seconds. My mentor had no doubt realized that the message was sent to me by mistake. In a panic and attempt for me to not see his message, he ended the zoom call for the entire meeting. Later on, I found out from a friend (also in the meeting) that my mentor had told everyone it was a “glitch in the internet connection,” a lie he had conjured up in an effort to protect my feelings.

I didn’t dare to hop back into that Zoom room after he restarted the meeting, despite my friend begging me to return. My friend was livid that my mentor had the nerve to judge me in such a way, and I was devastated that I had been caught red-handed as the disaster that I was internally, and evidently externally too.

I ran to my bed as quickly as I could, and I sobbed my fucking eyes out. To hear this from someone I venerated felt like getting hit by a metaphorical train, you know, in a train wreck…pun definitely intended. I sobbed for hours, and I hurt very deeply for days and weeks following. I will spare the details of how this impacted me then, and instead share with you how this experience has impacted me now.

In the months following, I continued to be “a wreck.” The difference, however, was that in time I became a wreck with a slightly clearer mission with a slightly more determined energy. Although I was still in the thick of it for months and months to come, I was finding my footing slowly but surely.

One year later, I live in my dream state, California, a goal I actualized three years early. I have created and nurtured the most beautiful and supportive group of friends I could never have even dreamed of. I feel so supported, nourished and loved by the friends I have around me today. On the anniversary of this experience, I started writing my ever first book. It’s a book that is profoundly meaningful to me and I plugged away at it for 6 hours, more inspired than I’ve been in over a year. I’m more spiritually and emotionally developed than ever, and I put my trust and love in the inner knowing that my intuition will always guide me; my job is simply to listen. I still have so much inner work and transformation ahead of me. But in simply a years time, I can officially say:

I am no longer a wreck.

Thank you for hearing my story <3