"No," I said, as I noticed him taking off his pants, "I want to wait."

I said this to a guy I had gone on two dates with, but had already shown to my friends because we were already pretty comfortable with each other. The slow progression of things made it look promising that it might become 5, 6, 783 dates. I thought so at least. It was comforting and refreshing because for 2 years, I continued to meet guy after guy who had no intention of actually dating me. The slugs kept coming in, so I kept searching for a non-slug.

So that night, he, myself and my friends went out drinking all night, having a great time.  He and I eventually went to my apartment to retire for the night, I thought.  I explicitly and clearly said "no, I want to wait." We were having fun and he seemed to accept that waiting was my intention. Until he didn't. 

I felt DEFLATED.

It was the weirdest emotion and sensation I've ever experienced. I was instantly figuratively knocked on my ass and felt completely and utterly powerless. I remember the moment relatively clearly. I was smiling and giggling, then immediately felt my facial expression switch to a frown and my body went mostly limp. What confidence and power I had possessed suddenly felt taken away from me. That was the first moment in my life that I didn't feel the ability to stand up for myself...that I didn't have the power to fight back or yell, "STOP! I TOLD YOU NO!" He violated my boundaries and my personal values. I was stripped of my human rights. I had no power.

Was this an act of misunderstanding fueled by a man’s feeling of entitlement? I really have no idea. It doesn't matter if there was ill will or intent. The only thing I know to be true was that I no longer possessed the ability to speak, to stop it from continuing, or to push him off of me. What matters is that I was stripped of my belief in my strength and self. I remember feeling a surge come through me and wash away all the pieces of my self-worth and personal value. Remember when Ursula sucked the voice out of Ariel, the Little Mermaid? Well, it was like that. Ariel was left without knowing her true identity anymore. And I was left without knowing what I stand for anymore.

I always expected that if I was ever raped, I would fight back, kick, scream, gouge their eyes out… It’s crazy to recall this (lasting) moment and to think that I did NOTHING. The only “reaction” I had was a physiological one: it felt like all of the muscles in my body were de-innervated, and I became this limp and flaccid shell of a person.

For months and months after it happened, I was reluctant to call this rape. I remember thinking to myself, it was unintentional or a misunderstanding or an accident, so it wasn’t rape, and I brushed it off. But still, every day the thought came into my mind. It wasn’t a horrifying or traumatizing thought, it was just a thought that would pop into my head and was not even explored further. I shut my brain off from acknowledging that this thing happened. I was cold and detached from it. I felt no emotions toward it.

Writing this is actually the second time I’ve relived it. The first time was when I told my husband (then fiancé) I had been raped, but again, I didn’t call it that when I came forward to him about it. I think I said, “someone had sex with me against my will.” It took a lot of energy to start thinking about it more, to start recognizing what was wrong with this scenario, and to admit that I had been raped.

The point is not whether the rape was intentional or not, whether I sought retribution or not, or whether I told the police or not. I did a lot of personal development work between that occurrence and now. What I have since realized is that no matter who they are to you or to anybody else, NO ONE is allowed to take your power from you. I realized this as I was healing. I am stronger now more than ever, more resilient than ever, more empowered than ever. I now have more self-worth, more self-love, and more values than I ever have.

Why? Why am I stronger now than ever, after someone stole my power from me? It’s because when all your power is stripped away, that’s your opportunity to rise up, INTENTIONALLY.

I became more powerful, on purpose. I became more self-aware, with reason. I became empowered, with intention.

It is during the times when you feel like you’re in despair, unempowered, and lacking value and worth, that it is your OPPORTUNITY to RISE above, defy the odds, and become the bravest, most resilient, and most strong-willed version of yourself!

-Devinro